December 19, 2010

Instant Replay

I never thought I would see this day. The beginning of the end. The possibility of ending my marriage. I'm devastated. But do I feel like a failure? No. I love my husband. No matter what he does, I do truly love him. I get angry and disappointed, but my love has never changed. However, our charge on our wedding day was to be God's kind of man and God's kind of woman so that we can have God's kind of marriage. I don't believe either of us has done that to the best of our ability. I'd say we each have given it a 75/25 shot. But when someone wants the benefits of marriage, but not the responsibility, there's bound to be problems. When someone wants to apply rules and biblical principles to their benefit without consideration of their spouse, there's a problem. When someone claims to be a protector and covering, but leaves the other to be devoured by the enemy, there's a problem. When someone claims to respect and love, but are only looking out for their own best interests, there's a problem. And I'm talking about us both.

When we talked about ending the marriage, the question was "Why?". Did God bring us together? I truly believe He did. I mean, we were even matched on eHarmony! However, after almost two years of marriage, I find we have mixed views on what marriage is truly about. Our values are different, our parenting ideas are different, our lifestyles are just way too different. Many promises were made and kept, but many promises have also been broken.

I pray God will forgive us for destroying what he joined together because when He says let no man destroy what God has joined together, I believe that includes us.

When I told my mom about our dilemma, she said "God writes the end of your story, not you... Satan is the enemy here. He doesn't want your marriage to work and you guys are just handing it to him".

Praying for God's guidance and protection.
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